I have been through so much in life that it is definitely worthy of being composed in a book. Just to alert my readers, I am actually working on a book about my life. I have decided to stop procrastinating this year. But however that is not the topic of this message today.
I have been through so much that was meant to break me down from last year on up to now that your girl is honestly exhausted!
It’s difficult to keep enduring a fight for your happiness when the enemy keeps sending everything your way to break you down.
I woke up yet some how I am surprised to not find my body laying in tiny pieces of porcelain glass in the bed.
I have had the pleasure of receiving a lot of good news this year but also I have received enough bad news to almost knock the good out the park. I feel like I’m fighting on this journey to success with a rag wrapped around my face that’s trying to stop me from breathing.
It seems every time I get happy, I mean really really happy about my life, something horrible happens. The sad part is that the ones who attack you assume they know the full story about you but yet they know nothing at all. I mean they have the slightest clue of what the heck you are dealing with.
So this month is my birthday month and we all know that February is all about that love! This is the month for us to shower those we love with gifts. However I am choosing to sit back and allow myself to be loved from the inside on out. I have encountered so many bad relationships on where I thought with all my heart that I had found the one for me.
My dreams sadly were shattered left and right.
I almost got married but found out that no matter how much I had been doing right in that relationship, he was cheating on me. I mean thats enough right there to break a woman all the way down. Imagine doing all the things you felt were the right things to do and discover that the individual you were doing it for, didn’t appreciate it.
Yea I listened to what men said they wanted for years in a relationship. That woman was me. I cooked, kept a clean home, baked, washed clothes, and performed very well in the bedroom. Even studied different books that showed multiple ways to satisfy your man and yet and still he would rather search outside for another.
That year I lost myself. I slipped into a dark hole and it took a ton of prayer from family who knew what I was dealing with to help bring me back. I literally fell extremely ill because I felt like I just wasn’t enough!
I cried countless nights thinking I just wasn’t enough at all because had I been…he would have never left is what I told myself. It was during this time that I was in school trying to finish up my Bachelor’s Degree in Criminal Justice.
I spent a ton of time in prayer and I told myself that I didn’t want to get to know nobody else any time soon, because that heart break had almost caused me to lose my mind.
Yet that year I met what I felt was the sunshine I needed in my stormy life.
I met who I felt must have been the one.
Yet here I stand today again just weeks before that horrible date when my ex broke up with me. I stand here freeing myself of every hurt and pain that I have been through while searching for who I thought was the right one for me.
Ladies there are some men out there who are living a lie and that lie can tear you into pieces if you allow it to. I refuse to fall apart again so I’m starting off my soon to be 33rd birthday free of a relationship!
No more men lying to me and keeping secrets from me. I am free and falling in love with myself for once in my life. This year if love finds me….it will find me because it caught me staring along side the ocean and enjoying the peace of the waves and the sunshine glistening on its waves. It will never find me because I was out searching for it again. I discovered once again that “he who finds a wife, finds a good thing”….its not my place to go finding my good thing because my good thing will find me.
I’m sure many were so happy for me over the last year because they all just knew I had found my good thing. Yet that was the problem…”I ” had found it.
And no he was never a bad guy, he gave me everything I asked for but he had some inner things that he needed to battle with and that meant removing myself from the situation.
I’ll always love him and I’m sure he will always love me but while he battles himself….I shall go discover the love within myself that got lost along the way. I can honestly say I’m mentally and emotionally tired of broken hearts and discovering that things are not as they appear.
Who knows how the year will turn out for me but at the moment I’m just focusing back on loving me a bit more and a bit harder. Never let the flaws of others steal your joy and tear down your self esteem. It can very easily happen because I have dealt with it and often find myself dealing with it.
You start feeling like you are not beautiful and that you are not worthy enough of love like all of your peers who are so happily married. Yea I’m about to be 33 with no wedding ring yet and I’m back single again because of secrets.
That can tear any woman apart.
Each time I tell myself to not let it change who I am on the inside. I keep my faith even when I feel like that was the last straw on my sanity. I don’t think men know just how bad the secrets and lies can destroy a woman who genuinely loves them.
I don’t think they have a clue.
So it’s back to me again and who knows…maybe while I’m working on these blessings before me…God will lead love my way.
Oh almost Happy Birthday soon to me!